It was only fantasy to think that i deserved an ounce of happiness. To think, "you've been through shit, its ok to smile once in a while" But no. today, reality has dawned. I've been told the truth, been given a lie. a whore, a lying bitch. I am. I suppose. I never wanted anything to go wrong. I just wanted to smile, and be like the rest, to laugh, to play, to tease, to be.... happy. I was wrong to think I would deserve such wish. He makes me smile, he makes me want to live, to breath and laugh.... but, maybe, its not right anymore. what am i going to do? I just wanted to be with him. I can't believe i dared to smile. Dared to enjoy life, dared to be happy. Yesterday, must have been a dream. No whore like me is worth the time, and the effort. Why me? why the whore? it was only a fantasy to be happy. It was only a book, a lie, and nightmare. Now, reality has set in, and I'm no longer. To find the new me..... where to go, who to see, who to corrupt?

Ok so, lets see. Much has changed since my last blog. Uhm..... Let's see where to start.... oh ok.

Well, as far as the best friend issue, it has been resolved. There are still issues but its bearable. We aren't back to the best best friend thing yet, but We'll get there. She hangs out with this chick I highly disslike, so its sooo awkward. But I'm dealing.

Uhm. I had a boyfriend back in Feb. but we broke up a month later. Haha. it was so ironic because it was the day before our one month, we broke up. It was ok and I handled it considerably well. Actually, I was meaning to break up with him the next morning. I hate internet break ups, so I was going to wait for school. Oh well. He was ok, but not for me.

Oh, report cards came out and I dropped my GPA big time. It's all because of my stupid english class. I hate the teacher so much. He doesn't tell us anything; missing assignments, imcompleted assignments, and those essays. Ugh. He pisses me off! He doesn't even teach! He's like ok., read this and that, have this done for tomorrow. He doesn't even check the homework he assigns. Another thing is no review for a quiz or test. ugh.

Hmm... ok. So, my mom is moving in the next two weeks. I have no idea what I'm going to do with out her. I dont have anywhere to go if my dad's being an ass. I'm mean, sure I can go call my uncle and grandpa, or talk to MS. Z but I don't like to impose on them! Ugh. I know I'm gunna cry. Let's just say I'm not looking forward to the next 2 months. At least, I get to see her in June. Hopefully, Dad'll let us go for the 6 weeks. Haha. That would be cool, 6 weeks in Fl. woo.

anyways, Later!


Ellie

~~~~~Clubs~~~~~~~~~

Okkkk soo, I've been feeling incredibly shitty the last two days. But not when I'm around a certain someone. I think, I'm thinking too much into things. And well, as My past shows, I tend to think very bad things. I really wish that I could just cut open my skull and take out most of my brain, so I can do the normal functions, but can't think. It would be simple. Ugh. I hate myself. I'm always sooo self distructive..... I don't know. I guess, well. yea, I am.

So, again, last night, I went back to my old ways. God kill me. I did it. And FUCK! What am I gunna do. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how long I could hide it; I don't think I can hide it like before. Uh, I just had to do it yesterday. I felt soooo horrible. I can't even describe it... It was just.... well, it was driving me crazy. My heart hurt sooo much..... I jsut don't know.

I promised him I would tell my someone, but I couldn't. I don't want him to freak out like the past ones. I was sure that I wouldn't relapse. I mean, I was just soo happy. I mean, I am. Was, well..... with him, I am. But, I can't either of them.... He can't know I relapsed, and my someone jsut doesn't know; theres no way I could tell him now. I would hurt too much, for the both of us.

I don't know what to do. I can't do anything..... Whats wrong with me?!

I'm such an idoit.

I can't even end this the usual way either.

God, I'm so fucked up.

haha. Wow. it's been such a long time since I've been around this site. updates in a simple paragraph. My best friend and I were ex best friends for like 6 months. Crazy. Recently, we got back together, but still some sore spots. Mom's moving to Florida, and Costa Rica. I have a new boyfriend, Johnny. I love him. ^.^ I want to go to the University of Tampa. yay me. Next years my senior year. Thank god. I can finally get away from all the horrible things I've delt with here. Fucking Pennsyl-tucky. lol. woo. But, I'm glad I've got Johnny. He makes me really, really, happy. Hmm.. it sucks, State testing for the next week! eww. I know my math sucks, but lets hope I still scored profiecent. As for scheduling next year, I got all my ap courses that I wanted. It's gunan be a crazy year. I have Ap European History, AP Composition, Advanced 12 english, Phycology, Journalism 2, Pre calc, and Spanish 4. As far as after school, dont even get me started. lol. hmm.. what else..... oh! I might be getting an interview with James Patterson!!!! god lets hope so... lol well, thats all for now. Sorry for the Grammar and ill formed paragraph, but the Passa's take alot outa me.



~<3 Ellie

~~~* Clubs *~~~
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so... my best friend is being a total bitch.... She totally lied to me, and is ditching me. its pissing me off... so I finally gave in and I'm not talking to her. so, I guess, I'm best friendless now. She told my ex who i liked, yea not so bad, its forgiveble in a couple days. but thats not the end of it. she frigging than tries to lie about it. she says to me "Oh, my bad! I didn't think you were yelling at me beacause of that. and like you shouldn't be mad at me." When the day before she actually understood why I was mad. Direct conversation.

Tim: I know you secret, I know who you like. I looked at toni and said.
Ellie: Toni, you bitch, why did you do that.
Toni: Well he threatened my life.
Ellie: What the hell toni. He can't do that! then i walk into my class.
I mean what the fuck. it pisses me off so much. I mean what the hell. Does anyone's best friend tell your ex boyfriend who your current love is?! And to top it off, the guy I'm crushing on has a girl friend. >.< Talk about double blow. Then the following couple days go by, and I'm still not talking to her, when she post a bullent saying "I'm still going to otakon, but not with Ellie." wha the hell.... we've been planning that for over a year now! what the hell is wrong with her?! I'm soo pissed at her. Right now. I want nothing to do with her, or anything. its ridiculous. I hate it. sooo much......................

But beisdes the ex best friend thing..... Every things ok.. .well. As ok as i can get. Christmas was fun. Mom got me my favorite books and new shoes. Dad got my japanese stuff and more manga. And new years, but pretty good too. I went to new york city again. Hung around Times Square and did all that fun stuff, saw the tree...... I've finished a sotry I've been working on since the summer. I just need to fixthe grammar mistakes and stuff like that. And once thats done, I'll upload it.... but that's all...

Ja~!


~Ellie
~~~* Clubs *~~~
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